Too Late in the Day
by Suzotchka
Summary: Owen Paris's thoughts in Admiral Janeway's timeline.


Too Late in the Day

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

Author's Note: I love the Owen Paris/ Janeway dynamic. I would love to get lots of reviews. I would also love to spur the publication of Owen/Janeway stories.

It was odd to see her with whiting hair. Of course she was now nearly 60 years old. Tom and B'Elanna were over fifty. And her once young Ensign Kim was in his mid forties. His granddaughter was 16 years old, already receiving Academy instruction.

He had first met Kathryn at her baptism and been summarily unimpressed by the screaming six week old infant. Of course he was a young man then, unattached. His twenty year marriage started six years afterwards, when he impregnated Julia. Julia had two daughters of her own Moira and Kathleen. When he found out his fling with her resulted in a child, he had been ecstatic and eager for a family. He agreed to marry Julia and to be a father to her daughters and she agreed to raise the children-his son Tom- and support him as a Starfleet wife. When Tom left for Academy he had quietly divorced her. His relationship with Moira and Kathleen was limited; he suspected they maintained contact strictly to share the prestige of the Paris name.

When Voyager had docked a month ago he had stood with all the other families. He saw Gretchen standing with Phoebe and Phoebe's grown sons- one a young man- the other finishing his education. The crew had beamed down slowly, crewmen and junior officers first. He watched collected individuals remain cohesive- unwilling to leave one another to greet their families. The senior staff arrived last. First poor Tuvok assisted by the new security chief- Michael Ayala and the EMH, then Harry and his son and daughter-in-law B'Elanna with his granddaughter Miral. Next the angry, bitter first officer Chakotay. He watched his daughter in law look at him with brotherly love, frustration, anger and sadness. But nothing prepared him to see her. Granted they had been in communication and granted occasionally there was visual contact, but he was unprepared for the sight of her.

She was the last one off the ship. Her crew, all 140 of them- 22 lost and 15 born- stood at attention for her. He watched her dismiss them one last time and relieve them of duty. He saw the angry Chakotay turn and leave, watched loved ones surround the crew members. As he eagerly greeted his son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched her stand down, she gazed after Chakotay for one longing moment before she snapped out of it. Just in time, Gretchen and Phoebe neared her, Gretchen clutching her daughter to her. She remained upright, her arms embracing her mother, but the rest of her body remaining closed off. When she looked up, Owen saw her eyes were still lost in the Delta Quadrant.

In the next moment he was surrounded by his family and he lost her. He did not see her again for another month. She was promoted immediately and debriefed. After her debriefing, she, like her crew was offered nearly a year of leave. No one said it, but everyone would have understood if she chose retirement and a handsome package would be available to her. As it was, she reported for duty the day after her debriefings were complete. She was to take command of tactical, a significant promotion for a recent captain- she had skipped over vice-admiral to rear admiral and her position was consummate with the higher rank. Her office had been prepped days before and stood near his on the top floor with the rest of the top brass.

Nicole informed him- she had been with him since before Kathryn was a cadet and had seen Kathryn grow up over the years. He knew she too felt the pain from the sorrow rolling off of Kathryn in waves. He replicated a cup of coffee and took it to Kathryn's office. He had wanted to see her while she was in debriefings- but he knew it wouldn't be appropriate. He rang for entry and her low dull voice granted it. She was sitting at her desk working quietly. Even to acknowledge him, she barely moved and he thought back to how she used to pace, how movement seemed to organize her thoughts and ease her brainstorming. Now she seemed to weary for even the slightest unnecessary movement.

He held out the coffee to her and felt almost timid in her presence. She smiled at him for the first time, a sad little half smile and said she only drank tea now and he wondered what could have caused the change. He meekly recycled the cup and reached over to the tea pot on her desk to refill her cup. He placed the flowers he had brought in a vase next to her and she looked at him- straight into his eyes this time- with confusion- and he realized it had been a long time since someone had been kind to her. He could feel the weariness and loneliness rolling off of her in uncontrollable waves.

In the past month, he had had a chance to speak to his son and daughter in law. Eager as he was for details, he tried to contain himself in his questions. However, what he was able to understand was heartbreaking enough. Chakotay, tired of waiting for her and perhaps wanting to hurt her and began a romance with Seven of Nine that ended in marriage. A few years later she died and since then both Seven and Chakotay were lost to Kathryn. Tuvok, her faithful friend, had stood by her side to the last possible minute, resigning when his illness became a threat to the crew. Tom had shamefaced acknowledged that as the years wore on, he B'Elanna and Harry had wanted to settle. The Doctor, apparently had been in love with Seven and never got over his grief. He tried to imagine her pain as she single handedly tried to get her crew home. Tom had murmured of various incidents where Kathryn had been tortured- taking the punishment for crewmember, hurt- making repairs she wouldn't ask anyone else to and targeted by angry aliens intent on destruction. As he went around, he put his arms around her gently and felt the torn muscles and broken bones. She hesitated a moment and relaxed into his arms.

By the time Miral went to the Academy, a year and a half later, Kathryn had been living with him for months. He supposed he ought to propose, but he knew she would never accept. It was just easier this way. It was less awkward than he had anticipated. Most of the crew as well as the brass were quietly supportive. They often hosted small gatherings of the admirality together and having her sit at the foot of his table seemed natural with that same sad half smile on her face. He got used to it though. They lived like that for ten years.

He knew Kathryn was not satisfied to accept her losses and surrender to the grief. He was aware she was constantly pouring over Voyager's logs, tinkering with alternative solutions. It pained him to see her unable to let go of the past, letting it control her future, but she was no cadet he could control and there was little harm that could come of her dwelling. When Miral graduated from the Academy, Kathryn picked her as her assistant. The girl spoke and understood Klingon and Standard and was comfortable in both Earth and Klingon cultures.

The years passed slowly. Kathryn was unquestioned matriarch of the Voyager family and with Chakotay having returned to his tribe, unwilling to contact the crew, he had stepped into the role of patriarch between his live in relationship with Kathryn and the fact that he was Tom's father. Miral was not the only Voyager child who spent a summer in their home- to be straightened out and he found he was better at this the second time around. Maybe it was Kathryn's influence. She was firm yet incredibly loving and gentle with all the children and there was not a single one she could not get through to. Miral, particularly was incredibly close to Kathryn and had begged to become Kathryn's assistant- rejecting various other opportunities. Still, being Kathryn's assistant, the most influential, most talented admiral in the fleet could not hurt. He knew how much it meant to both of them.

If he thought having Miral as her assistant would sooth Kathryn, he was wrong. He later supposed he should have known better. The years passed and Voyager's ten year reunion arrived. Chakotay had passed away a mere six months earlier and he had accompanied Kathryn to pay their respects. He thought showing up at the first reunion after his death would seem like he was trying too hard to take the first officer's place. Still he should have known. Kathryn had been secretive, more so than usual. She planned a trip to visit Chakotay's grave, insisting she needed to go by herself. She didn't come home often, he knew she was staying in her Starfleet provided apartment. He knew she was in frequent communication with Reg Barkley. She had definitely taken him under her wing and he was as much her child as any of the Voyager crew. She seemed more able to rely on him and he had stepped up beautifully.

When she went to see Tuvok early, he knew something was up. That night he lay next to her, holding her as he always did. She was as aloof in her sleep as always. As though sensing his thoughts, her hand moved and rested on him. He stared at the strong, thin worn hand and flashed back to the day she walked into his office, a mere junior desiring his mentorship on her thesis on halo objects. He knew of her before- she was his friend Edward's daughter- and she had discovered fossils on Mars that had stunned the scientific community. When she had requested the meeting, he had looked up her file and found she was the top student in her class. Still he hadn't expected to be impressed. There is a top of the class every year. When he suggested she come back next year, she suggested he look at her research first. The next year had shown him she was not just the top of her class, but the top of Starfleet. Between her impressive intelligence, her incredible work ethic and his strict guidance she had produced a revolutionary thesis worthy of a PhD in one year in her junior year.

He looked carefully at her face, there was genuine weariness there. Her hands looked exhausted. Her eyes, intelligent but tired. He held her close that night, but still he felt her slipping away and he realized he had never really had her. She had been slipping away since the day she brought Voyager home. This was just more final. When she woke up she dressed quickly. He joined her and went down stairs to prepare breakfast. When she came down, she wasn't reading padds or working. Instead she was watching him carefully. When he sat down, she climbed onto his knee and held his face between her hands. With extreme affection, she stroked his cheeks. He sighed and vowed to remember the moment forever when she kissed him. Never had he felt so much passion or love from her. It was over too soon, and she left him and her uneaten breakfast and a pit in his stomach.

Within the day, the Voyager family contacted him and he pieced together the story. Between Reg and the Doctor they had determined that she was going back in time, presumably to bring Voyager back earlier. Harry, once her young Ensign, now Captain Kim, had beamed on her shuttle, and somehow she got him to trust and obey her, one last time. He murmured a prayer quietly, but he doubted she would need it and prepared himself for time to change. He knew Kathryn Janeway never failed at anything she set out to do. He hoped she could make a happier future for them both.


End file.
